Peanut Wars

For me ringing in the new year meant making an extreme lifestyle change. To kick the year off and boot myself in the ass, I decided to eliminate gluten and dairy from my diet. No, I do not have Celiac disease! But after shifting to an unprocessed diet a few months back, it seemed like the next logical step.

I knew that this choice brought with it many diet challenges. I mean, I  could basically live off cheese and beer. And I am sure there have been days when I actually have. So the idea of eliminating my best friends of bleu, goat, brie, sharp cheddar, ale, porter, stout and kolsch was almost my own personal nightmare. But I was prepared and somewhat at peace with my decision.

I even stumbled upon this little beauty at the farmers market on New Year’s Eve.

Umm…I am pretty sure I was meant to marry you! Okay, okay! That may be a little bit extreme, but how the hell had I not discovered before!

I knew to anticipate obstacles along the way, but I was not primed for the curve ball I was thrown only three days into this life altering habit.

At some point this morning a black apple landed on my desk.

Yes, you read that correctly, a black apple! And all I wanted was to slather each and every single bite in peanut butter. Just think of it as a peanut butter delivery system. So, I retrieved the handy dandy jar of organic brown awesomesauce out of my drawer. I frantically spun the top off the jar.

Wait! What the….what the FUCK! “May contain wheat.”

Begrudgingly, I abandoned that jar of lamesauce faster than you could blink.
And took down that naked black apple.

Which was basically a hipster Macintosh dressed up in Gothic makeup.

And there was no one way I was going to go through my life with out apples covered in peanut butter war paint.

So I decided I would just make my own peanut butter. How hard can be! Just some roasted unsalted peanuts, a tad bit of oil and the option to add honey or any other flavor I wanted.

Off to the store I ventured. I was just going to scoop some peanuts and bust out my food processor. Viola!

Three freaking grocery stores later!

DENIED!!! Peanuts and big food three, Susan zero. That is right no freaking peanut butter for you. Not even homemade.

I promise you that this quest is not over. I will have peanut butter in my life. And all the people of the world that have a sincere allergy to these food items deserve peanut butter too. Big Food, you may have won the battle, but you will not win the war.