Stalemate

Photo by munir

Over the past few months I have been leaping out of my comfort zone. The natural highs have been exhilarating. But somewhere along the way, well, I can basically pinpoint the exact moment, I allowed a notion to seep into my head and begin to play tricks on my mind.

I have been fairly successful at holding the infestation at bay. I use the word successful loosely.

I have obsessed over toxins that I do not desire or want to tolerate in my life. And my fixation on winning has become top priority.

I have spoke my mind in my mind countless times over. Think along the lines of a rehearsed speech that I can barely contain myself from verbally hurling.  But I have managed enough self control to contain it.

I have hit the rewind button on countless conversations. And I cannot help to question their authenticity.

I have relived the same event at different times and in multiple locations. And every time it is better than the last.

I have been distracted. My thoughts race with all the things I could be doing, and how the danger and thrill are more than enough to taunt me.

I have been tempted and almost lured to be the cause instead of the motivation.

The whole experience has been calculating. I have been living a real life game of chess, and I am tired. I am in no way forfeiting, but I am putting myself in time out, at least until the other players in this battle are willing to step up their game.