I am jaded and sometimes even cynical when it comes to the matter of love. I have had my heart broken, and my dreams crushed. There have been countless occasions where I thought I would never want to share myself with anyone ever again. Nights where meaningless sex and a slew of one night stands could somehow fulfill me for the remainder of time. I could allow my sexual desires to be satisfied and avoid any emotional involvement. I could crawl out of another’s bed before the sun came up and never look back and wonder, “Could he be the one?”
The idea of a relationship was a foreign concept to me. In no way did I desire to share myself with another human being in the most intimate of ways again. I would never sacrifice my dreams or for that matter even share my aspirations. My goals were all I needed and the distraction of partner would only hinder me. There was no need to waste my time with lazy Sunday’s laying naked in bed running my fingers along another’s body until I had memorized every single curve. I had no desire to share hours of conversation over countless candle lit dinners with just one mind. Everything I craved had to be carnal, exhilarating, and unfamiliar. The only constant I yearned for was change.
Sometimes the sex was mind blowing, and other times it just simply blew. There were evenings filled with enlightened and stimulating conversations counter balanced with those where my aptitude was met with ignorance. The high moments were invigorating, but the instances of the inferior left my senses filled with melancholy. I was fatigued and weary. Sharing myself and my emotions was not anything I lusted. I had resolved my psyche that this was how I was going to move forward.
Over the past few months I started to welcome a shift. I have began to come to a place where I no longer believe I will lose myself within someone else’s dreams. I am not the sacrificial lamb I once was. I have reached the point where I am proud of my accomplishments, and I find myself effectuating my aspirations and craving all the intimacy I told myself I never would need again.
I want a partner. Someone who will encourage me to continue my personal growth. Someone who will be more excited for my accomplishments than I could ever appear to be. A person that will appreciate me and respect my purpose. Someone who is able to not only match my sarcasm but also respects it. Someone who will simply let me be me and love me for being me. Someone for whom I can reciprocate enthusiasm.
I want a lover. Someone who will lay beside me and hold me. Someone who knows my body and embraces all my scars. Someone who knows how to make passionate love, but also understands the importance of mind altering sex. Someone who will blow kisses through the air at me. Someone who will kiss me with the deepest devotion for hours on end. Someone I can share moments or even hours of ecstasy. Someone who will take long hot showers with me and slowly wash every curve of my body. Someone whose body I can memorize and desire.
I want a friend. Someone who will intently listen to me. Someone who will offer me advice and not be hurt if I choose to not follow their direction. Someone who will lend me a shoulder to cry on. Someone who will laugh with me. Someone who will spend an entire Saturday in their pajamas watching a marathon of documentaries with me. Someone I can share a bottle of the finest red wine. Someone who on occasion will drink too much with me and share a drunken evening of people watching with me. Someone who will take walks that have no destination with me. Someone who will sit in silence with me and never feel the need to break the noiselessness. Someone who will not judge me. Someone I can share the silliest and most intense moments.
I want a man that I can love for his mind, body and soul. A man who is willing swing his life away with me. And I want a man who will love me.